BELONGING ~ mid 30s & child free

‘I still hold this cultural notion that being a mother is somehow the epitome of a woman’s choice… what if I removed that bias and said this is a totally open field. Women, you can choose what feels to be your calling. You’re going to not get it all. No matter what you choose, nobody gets it all. Make your choice and live with the consequences and accept your life and be fulfilled in the life you have.’ ~ Tami Simon

I’m approaching my 35th birthday and it feels relevant to do a milestone ‘check in’. Actually, the mid 30s review has been thrust onto me of late as I find myself feeling rather inadequate — in solitude and social circles. Better have a peek at it then…

So yes, here I am in my mid 30s, living a life that generally feels very aligned for me.

And yet.

There are these niggles of ‘what if’ and ‘should I’ consuming me acutely at the moment. It’s been building to a suffocating fog, in fact, as I find myself surrounded by beloved groups of friends multiplying their families with their husbands and their strollers and they’re adorable kids growing at an alarming rate, ever reminding us all about the ‘tick tock’ pace of life, which I’m certain speeds up over 30!

This all swelled to a confronting level the other day when I found out the news that a dear friend of mine is pregnant. It goes without saying (but better say it for the record because this content feels quite loaded and underexplored) that I am overjoyed for my her and know that she’ll be the most beautiful mother.

BUT.

And permission to speak frankly with vulnerable honesty…

I found myself winded. Like a football had thwacked me in the gut and heart and I struggled to gasp for breath.

‘But what about me?’ I thought…

There, I said it!

Selfish, self-involved. A bit ugly. There’s shame in sharing and feeling this… but it’s the TRUTH. So, I’m exposing it. This taboo feeling that ‘should be’ purely joyous.

Over the last decade, I have been adjusting to beautiful friends getting married, having kids, buying homes in the suburbs and choosing a life that is very different to mine. Mostly, I’ve gotten on with it pretty well… I’ve rather enjoyed feeling a little alternative.

But it’s now more than ever that I find myself wondering, ‘where do I belong?’

No one equips you. As with most things.

And there is a grief here.

Your friends — your chosen family — now have their own and you are less important. Rightfully so. Still, oof!

Maybe it’s the sheer number of friends and social circles embarking on this route that forces me to reflect on it all right now.

And I know there’s a higher approach to summon. That love is abundant and change is our life guarantee. I know this to be true and I feel it and I can see it all through the ‘better’ lens — one that is flooded in spiritual grace and self-developed integrity. But here, today, I want to write the brutality of the feeling. Because that exists too. The sadness in this situational difference. And my call to continue to adjust as ‘another one bites the dust’… for a bit, at least.

This same friend wisely told me when she too was feeling a little bereft, ‘it won’t feel like this forever… they’ll come back. Meantime I’ll hang out with their kids and see them that way.’ Beautiful. Helpful.

The other day I was at a party — there only seem to be daytime parties now that the weddings have dried up — and it was a ‘families welcome’ policy. I found myself fading into the wallpaper, overcome by the intensity of children running around with balloons, babies hanging off boobs and buggies taking up an obscene amount of space — like a 4x4 car in a congested city. Merriment and small bowls and crayons and chit chat and smiles as I was slowly having an existential meltdown. I actually struggled to SEE! Too much stimulus? Too little booze to take the edge off?

Or a confronting reminder at every literal turn that I’m not in the same place as my peers. This tribe I have grown with… and I feel myself drift further away as they congregate for shared experiences…

*breathe…breathe*

Later that day, I found myself clutching onto a child’s sweet little lunchbox with an urge to rummage inside, shove their healthy rice crackers in my mouth or hurl the whole thing across the room. I did neither, zipped it up, patted it like a friendly dog that had been keeping me company and returned to a conversation that will have ended in seconds because, well, conversations are now impossible with children flying around.

So yes, being on a different track is fine and great and celebrated bla bla but it is also daunting and untethering and pretty fucking lonely sometimes.

I lovingly want to voice the mid 30s and child free journey. Whilst holding the hands of peers who are parents. Championing each other, which we do.

It can feel we’re worlds apart but we remain looking out together… it’s just a different perspective.

Of course, the question is — I don’t know if I want any of this! It simply isn’t on my radar. My life has been unravelling in a very different way and, generally, seems to be getting more delicious as the years go on. Awesome! Something to do with KNOWING THYSELF — considered the greatest relationship of all, according to good ol’ Socrates and Carrie Bradshaw in the final shot of SATC series 6.

Speaking of, I often ponder words uttered by the wisest woman, Samantha Jones –

“There are a lot of fabulous things in life that don’t include a baby; what could that be like?… not too shabby!’ Yes.

And there’s a long list of cons to having children. One being the expense of it.

The other day I was feeling particularly frugal after booking another trip (woops) and nipped into Timpson’s to buy something. When the total came to £6 I asked if I could pay half in coins and the rest on card. LOW POINT. The shop assistant looked at me, understandably stunned (with a dash of pity) as I reluctantly wacked my overdrawn contactless onto the machine and paid the full amount. I hurried out and contemplated how to adult and afford a shoe brush.

Or another eye watering moment of late… strutting into John Lewis to buy a new cafetiere (feeling bold and sophisticated), then THWACK! — an endless display of things one needs to build a life (and certainly a life with a family). I never knew kitchen utensils could be so aggressive! Lined up perfectly, gloating at me with how much I can’t afford a peppermill*

(*choose not to afford a peppermill).

So yeah, there’s that. How to fathom being the literal lifeline for another human when doing my little life can often feel intimidating.

Many other cons to not having a child — lack of freedom, challenge to partnership, responsibility for a person… forever!

And YET. They all waft into oblivion (apparently. And I can imagine this!) when the one pro trumps them all — YOU WILL LOVE NOTHING MORE.

I think of my niece and nephew and my heart STOPS with how much I love them. Again, winded! It really is mind-blowing. The whole concept of procreation.

You meet someone, stand in love (not fall — smart) and decide to create a life together with a living, breathing human (or humans) — a literal combination of you and said someone.

Incredible! Beautiful! Wow!

And I think of my friends and my brothers and I BEAM at how amazingly they’re all doing. It looks really hard and really wonderful and they’re all doing their best and it is so touching.

I learn from them. I am in awe of them. And hey, one day (if I land a superb partner) a choice would be nice.

Until then, I wake up naturally, book another trip and sit on a bench (with kids at the periphery) slurping a twister on this lazy Sunday afternoon, quietly celebrating freedom and ‘what next…’