The Drain of Disappointment

Disappointment.  It’s one of the worst feelings.  It might not be as dynamic in energy as, say, jealousy or boiling rage but that’s where I find it more dangerous… it’s a more discreet sensation so it’s often undermined, ignored.  But it can remain with you as a dull, relentless drain in your world.  With its low frequency and flatness, it creeps along quietly by your side sucking away at your lifeblood without you even knowing, like a leech. 

And what can you do with disappointment?! 

Taking ownership of our uglier emotions… say, with anger, it can spur us into a fast run!  With jealousy it can force us to confront the projections in our lives and the unlived dreams.  Even irritability is often an indication to me that I need a sleep or an orgasm.

But disappointment… I struggle to find its purpose in the psyche.  Which unsettles me.  Everything (especially the hard stuff) has its significance in our lives, right.  That’s what we’re told more and more and that’s my general belief.  An obstacle can really be our advantage.  With hindsight, I merrily chomp on that in agreement. 

And there are endless quotes I adore about embracing the darker aspect of oneself for alchemy to occur.  A favourite of mine -

‘If you have a scar, that is a door.’~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Estés implies that our wounds are our opportunity.  Similarly, Carl Jung famously wrote, ‘One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious’. 

These Sages know the key to growth is to embrace the Shadow aspect of ourselves.  Yes.

Yet, I’m still stuck on disappointment.  It doesn’t really feel dark or shadowy, it feels grey.  The in between of light and dark, positive and negative.  It floats in this ‘meh’ ether and feels like an intangible cloud.  A fog which, if it hovers for too long, can suffocate.

I’ve been navigating my way through disappointment of late and it’s really fucking uncomfortable.  So what to do!  By nature I like to be productive and HANDLE THE ISSUE I am confronted with.  Tenaciously and sometimes tediously.  I like it to be sorted in an orderly manner (classic Virgo rising!) so I can move on and grow. 

Such efficient use of time *smug grin*

That’s the aim, after all, yes?  To thrive and grow.  Be better.  Reach our Higher Self.  So we can look back when we’ve arrived at the Pearly Gates someday long from now and, again smugly, say, ‘Yeah I grew to my fullest and best.’  Or the rather annoying millennial term ‘I lived my best life!’

Lovely.

Truthfully though, it makes me sweat.  The idea of squeezing value out of every moment in this life… it’s so much pressure.  I say this knowing that I’m a productivity junkie, like most of you reading this!  It’s exhausting and not very fun.  (Saying that, I’ll always feel a diluted thrill of ticking off my to do list!)

I recall my dad’s request in his obituary was to include the phrase ‘after an eventful life’.  I really like this.  It implies richness in the ups, downs, the joys, the learnings, the disasters… all in all colourful.  And correct.  No saint.  A mere mortal who lived.

Liz Greene says, ‘there is virtue just by being’.  In the same vein, a wise woman once said that being human is enough.  I like that too.

 And on enough-ness, I’ve come to realise that sometimes, even the trusty, productive work is not enough.  We can unpack the current unwanted feeling of, in this case, disappointment and explore the root of the problem… commonly, high expectation of oneself and others, repeating old patterns from repressed experiences, fear, shame to name a few.  We can unearth these feelings festering at the bottom of our subconscious and work through them with therapy, writing, meditation.  Again, ever the conscientious student, I’ve made strides with all of these.  And whilst I’m not denying that doing the work is fundamental in clearing those unwanted feels -in fact, it must be done.  And it’s brave work. 

Yet there is also bravery and worth in sitting with it for a time.  Like really just sitting with it. 

Some experiences do need to run their course.  Some things are down to us but also up to something else… something Greater than us and our actions.  Some things are out of our control… even our own emotions, scarily.  Maybe some karmic purpose needs to be fulfilled, maybe the work hasn’t digested in the cells yet and maybe there’s something happening beyond explanation. 

Maybe it’s an idea to consider.

My ongoing battle with disappointment has had varying tones and sits amongst other unwanted emotions but it is the disappointment that I have struggled with most.  I’ve done the work on it (this last year especially), so much reading and self development and action attempts to carve the change I need and deserve.  And with that so much berating myself for STILL being in the situation, STILL feeling the lead weight of disappointment in my gut turn sour and leak out into other areas of my life… and it became something I got used to.  The leech. 

Until, one day… it wasn’t there anymore.  It just left me.  I was lighter all of a sudden.  I had space again.  The fog had finally cleared.  Like magic. 

The other day I was poking my head out of my Brixton kitchen window on a chilly morning as the pink sky remained undisturbed by the sound of people and cars… there were only birds chirping.  And me.  I looked out and I looked up.  And I smiled and then chuckled to myself.  ‘I’m back again’ I thought.    

How?  Was it the experience of the work I’d done and a cosmic moment of change and opportunity finally aligning?  Something like it.  With a wash of surrender.  And I’ll take it.

In this way, I am reminded of Albert Einstein’s quote,

‘A human being is part of the whole, called by us ‘Universe’, a part limited in time and space.  He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.  This delusion is a kind of prison for us.’

The Universe has its part to play too.  That’s surely some relief, eh!  And in that moment when I realised the drain of disappointment had evaporated from my being, I felt closer to the ‘whole’ that Einstein refers to.  That, it felt, was the missing piece.  As though, I’d done my bit, the rest was up to a Universal energy.  Transpersonal.  Cosmic. 

I’ll try and remember that when my next lesson pays a visit…