The Imposter Syndrome
‘Not worthy’ ‘a fraud’ ‘not good enough’ … and persistent.
I don’t think I’ve met anyone who hasn’t felt this before. Which has its charm. We are not alone etc. Oh, but in those spiralling moments which can last months and lifetimes, doesn’t it feel so terribly lonely.
I’ve been feeling it a lot recently as I carve out a new life. And I’d say, mostly, this carving is exciting and colourful. Fertile with promise and hope!
And I’ve come to realise that The Imposter feeds on this innocent seed. The birth of something, the idea… it’s where our Saboteur likes to nestle, unfortunately. And it’s a stubborn little bugger. So, those soft, fresh pillows of dreams and wishes become littered with doubt and anguish. And so often, The Imposter wins! It sucks out that innocent creativity and spark and joy like a leech and, in my experience, one is left drained and pretty humiliated.
AND WHAT A SHAME. I look back on those opportunities which swiftly turn sour with Imposter toxins… prospects dashed!
I wonder how many occasions in our lives we let The Imposter win. We surrendered to their torment until we, eventually, gave up. Because it’s probably easier to give up and because we start to believe it’s true.
*Ponders*
Ponder with me? …
Already a catalogue of experiences flood through…
En route to that audition which I was really excited about and well prepared for. And as soon as I enter the waiting room with a handful of actors (who look just like me but better, of course!) I am drowned with Imposter attacks; ‘what are you doing here!’ ‘you might as well leave now!’ ‘what a waste of time!’ ‘you’re going to fuck up and humiliate yourself, so get ready’…
Or those many many unrequited loves that I was never brave enough to explore because ‘how could they possibly feel the same way about you’ and, again that classic, ‘you’re going to humiliate yourself!’
There are more subtle examples – sometimes those can be even more dangerous because you can’t even smell the self-loathing, thus attempt to use your inner wisdom to manage it. You decide on the easier option of, say, cooking the simpler dish for a sense of ease (totally fine, of course) but in your bones you wanted to try something a little more challenging but talked yourself out of it because you know you’ll mess it up. Imposter alert!
And it’s just so smart. Such a chameleon. It can manipulate you without you even flinching or it can take you on a journey which feels like a tornado of thorns and judgement and bullying and shaming… oh and all of this feels deeply exhausting, right!
If this is so universal, then why on earth have we not got a grasp on it yet! Well, hopefully, we are on an upward trajectory. And the good thing is there is more and more support and knowledge available on this hideous and completely human phenomenon. And with support and knowledge comes power. Comes growth!
The truth is, The Imposter will always exist within us. It is part of our genetic and energetic make up. It has a useful purpose too – it’ll often speak up in heightened moments of danger. But let’s hope they’re few and far between. So yeah, a lot of the time we’re left with an archaic cave man mechanism that not only doesn’t serve us but sabotages our potential.
How can we manage it?
It’s certainly a journey. A colourful one! So, let’s get our paint brushes out and get messy. Let’s channel our inner Caravaggio and paint with ‘chiaroscuro’… the light and shade of life. Let’s paint with the darkness as well as the light in our own lives.
That’s really precisely how life ‘should’ be, right? There should be those darker times, those murkier waters…. Because that’s where we have an opportunity to learn and grow. We can strive for joy and radiance and we can absolutely luxuriate in those blisses. In fact, we must! Because, they’re glorious but they’re not sustained. And nor should they be.
After all, light cannot exist without shadow. The two need to be embraced. And when The Imposter strikes, I propose we take a deep breath and sit in the swamps for a time. Delve in and see just what this Saboteur is poking at… because, underneath the grit, it might reveal gold.
Carl Jung famously spoke, ‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will ruin your life and you will call it fate’.
That’s a pretty delicious challenge. And excellent starting point.
So, how about we use our Imposter to shed light on what the discomfort, attack, blaming, undermining (the hefty list!) etc. is really all about in our lives. Let’s uncover.
Lift the Lid, if you like.
And we can do it safely and together. In a space of collective wisdom.
As the famous scientist David Bohm describes it, let’s step into a ‘pool of common meaning’.
I do not at all disregard one’s unique and very sacred, solo quest but there is something so powerful about the coming together. In a space where our unique existence can expand to shared wisdom.